Over the past month, ever since I had been collared by Mystress, I have given a lot of thought about where I was before I even met my Mentor and how I am now, and the changes that have happened within me over the past three months since I had chosen this path, here seems a very good place to share my thoughts on it all.
So…if you will all indulge me, allow me to open up just a little bit and let some of you in on the thoughts that swim within my mind.
When I first came to sl I really didn’t know what I wanted, all I knew was that I would be able to be myself…the wonder of the internet I suppose…but even then I really didn’t know that either. I had spent so long hiding who I was that I suppose that I forgot over time. I had been off and on before Christmas last year, mostly wandering around, buying clothes and whatever else happened to pique my interest, randomly visiting some various BDSM club or other such hang out, still really unsure of what I wanted.
I had already been a Domme to a wonderful woman, and once the fates decided that we were never to be together I turned my back, swearing that I would not return to a position of power unless I had met another woman that could bring me back to it. I also knew I had a submissive side as well, my mind, in all its chaos has to very different personalities and my submissive side had never seen the light of day, so during my first journeys into sl, all I knew was that I had no interest in anything other than being submissive, to live a life that I had only seen from the other side of the glass.
When I first started, like I said, I didn’t know what I wanted, which made me easy prey early on. I had been taken advantage once by someone that claimed to show me what I needed to know, only to take advantage of me and use me for his own pleasures. Now some of you may be thinking, so what, it’s only a game it’s not real you’re not really being hurt or taken advantage of…well…bullshit. True there was no physical damage, but the human mind is a fragile organ, and mine even more by holding on to what few shreds of sanity I had then. After that I walked away from sl for almost two full months, I was afraid to return, I still did not know or understand the world itself and was afraid of being taken advantage of again, but for some bizarre reason (I think I’m a sucker for punishment personally) I decided to try again, and brave the world of sl, determined to learn more about my submissive side, to feel what it means to give yourself to someone.
Upon my return to sl, I avoided any place that resembled a school of any form designed to train subs, once bad experience at them was more than enough so I simply roamed around from club to club, all BDSM in theme, mostly to absorb the atmosphere and see what happened, and with any luck meet new people, hopefully nice ones.
This is where I am going to bring the first part to a close…and will continue on shortly ^^
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